November 2010 - Dark Suckers: How Accurate Are Your Perceptions?

Back to Newsletter

Here's something fun to share with your friends and family. Just how accurate are various theories or even your perceptions? The story below shows how many of us are susceptible to theories and perceptions which sound and seem accurate yet are completely incorrect.

The article below was written years ago and was originally published in a Bell Labs Newsletter. Forward this fun article to your friends and family.

“A Light In The Dark”
Bell Labs Prove Existence of Dark Suckers

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs do not emit light, they suck dark. Thus they are now called dark suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has a mass heavier than that of light, and that dark travels faster than light.

The basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark in the immediate area of the dark suckers than there is elsewhere in the room. The larger the dark sucker, the
greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. 

Once they are full of dark they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick.  You will notice that, after the first use, the wic turns black -- representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the
candle.

Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are, fortunately, portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these cannot handle all of the dark by themselves, and require the use of additional dark storage units. When the dark storage unit, referred to by some as a battery, is full it must either be emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special hazard because the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a
large quantity of heat, which makes it inadvisable to touch an operating candle.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper you notice that it slowly gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately 80 meters, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the water and the
lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to humankind's advantage. Dark which has settled to the bottoms of lakes can be pushed through turbines to generate electricity. In this way dark can be forced into the oceans where it can be safely stored.

Prior to the invention of the turbine it was much more difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the oceans. The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark, Indians paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark. When they traveled against the flow of dark they paddled quickly to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, it becomes clear that dark is faster than light. If you stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet you notice that, as you slowly open the closet door, light slowly enters the closet. However the dark moves so quickly that you are not able
to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, scientists from the Bell Labs have noted that dark suckers make our lives easier and more enjoyable. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that its function is actually that of a dark sucker.

Back to Newsletter